Learning to Let Go
Mikhail has never been sent to nursery, tadika, playschool or even a playgroup. Ever. The only playgroups we've had are those which we arrange with our own friends.
When he turned three, we finally decided that he could benefit from some organized play. And also from having authority figures who don't coddle him the way his parents and grandparents do (((sheepish grin))).
So we've enrolled him into one of the programs offered in TumbleTots. Since the Ampang branch is in Great Eastern Mall, about 5 minutes away from home, it's quite convenient. Mikhail's in the 3-5 'Physical Play' group where each session consists of 4 'teachers' and an average of 6 to 8 children.
We went there a couple of weeks ago to try it out. Mikhail was so excited to see the brightly lit room and the exciting things they had to offer, he rushed to the play area, leaving me at the counter. So I thought he was fine and remained seated there while the teachers started the session.
Mikhail sat on the floor with everyone and seemed calm enough, but 2 minutes into it, I could see his face harden and he started inching away from the circle. Then he caught my eyes, slowly got to his feet... walked towards me... and as his face started to crumble, he ran as fast as he could and reached me right before he started sobbing.
The poor boy. I should've went in there and sat with him from the beginning. And at the advise of the teachers, I did. I stayed for the whole session. I could see that he was excited to be there but at the same time, he refused to let me leave his side.
Mikhail clearly enjoyed the singing bits and all the climbing, running and jumping. But he still seemed wary of the teachers and some of the 'overly-friendly' children. I was already doing the whole 'over-protective Mommy' bit and rationalizing to myself that he is too young and not ready and what-nots.
But at the end of the session, as we said our goodbyes, Mikhail leaned over and said to me "I like school. Mikhail nak pergi school lagi lah." And that's how we ended up enrolling him there.
Tomorrow will be the first day that I will leave him in the capable hands of the teachers. They told me to.
Apparently, "detachment is part of the learning process".
I think that was their kind way of telling this Mommy to buzz-off. Hehh...
So here I am, at 2.30 am in the morning, trying to tell myself that everything's gonna be alright.
It's ridiculous, I know. It'll only be 45 minutes, I'm definitely going to be hovering outside the place and I'll be able to see everything from there. Yet I have a lump in my throat.
I remember when he was a newborn and I would hover around anyone who managed to pry him away from me. I'd only be a couple of steps away, watching them like a hawk, with barely disguised worry and with my fists half-clenched. A discreet sniff from that person and I would swoop in to grab my precious bundle, lest he be exposed to a stranger's germs.
I remember the first time I let him sleepover at his grandparents' home. Mommy and Daddy had a late night date and by the time we were done, he was already fast asleep. Since Atok, Gramma and Daddy felt it would be silly to wake up a sleeping baby at that hour, Mommy was outnumbered. So off we went back home and I spent a sleepless night waiting for sunrise so I could make the 5-minute drive to be reunited with my baby.
I know I sound manic.
Like an anal-retentive, over-protective, she-wolf of a mom. But I've improved quite a bit.
Heck! I left him for 2 weeks for that business trip to Geneva last year. So yes, I'm much better with separation anxiety these days.
But now he's clearly growing up and like all children, he needs to be exposed to different environments and different people, occassionally without his Mommy by his side. If I want him to be independent, self-reliant and sociable; skills that he will need before he goes off for proper schooling, I will have to learn to let go.
My baby's growing up and I need to accept that with as much grace and courage that I can muster.
Detachment is indeed part of the learning process.
And Mikhail's not the only one doing the learning.
