Learning to Let Go
Mikhail has never been sent to nursery, tadika, playschool or even a playgroup. Ever. The only playgroups we've had are those which we arrange with our own friends.
When he turned three, we finally decided that he could benefit from some organized play. And also from having authority figures who don't coddle him the way his parents and grandparents do (((sheepish grin))).
So we've enrolled him into one of the programs offered in TumbleTots. Since the Ampang branch is in Great Eastern Mall, about 5 minutes away from home, it's quite convenient. Mikhail's in the 3-5 'Physical Play' group where each session consists of 4 'teachers' and an average of 6 to 8 children.
We went there a couple of weeks ago to try it out. Mikhail was so excited to see the brightly lit room and the exciting things they had to offer, he rushed to the play area, leaving me at the counter. So I thought he was fine and remained seated there while the teachers started the session.
Mikhail sat on the floor with everyone and seemed calm enough, but 2 minutes into it, I could see his face harden and he started inching away from the circle. Then he caught my eyes, slowly got to his feet... walked towards me... and as his face started to crumble, he ran as fast as he could and reached me right before he started sobbing.
The poor boy. I should've went in there and sat with him from the beginning. And at the advise of the teachers, I did. I stayed for the whole session. I could see that he was excited to be there but at the same time, he refused to let me leave his side.
Mikhail clearly enjoyed the singing bits and all the climbing, running and jumping. But he still seemed wary of the teachers and some of the 'overly-friendly' children. I was already doing the whole 'over-protective Mommy' bit and rationalizing to myself that he is too young and not ready and what-nots.
But at the end of the session, as we said our goodbyes, Mikhail leaned over and said to me "I like school. Mikhail nak pergi school lagi lah." And that's how we ended up enrolling him there.
Tomorrow will be the first day that I will leave him in the capable hands of the teachers. They told me to.
Apparently, "detachment is part of the learning process".
I think that was their kind way of telling this Mommy to buzz-off. Hehh...
So here I am, at 2.30 am in the morning, trying to tell myself that everything's gonna be alright.
It's ridiculous, I know. It'll only be 45 minutes, I'm definitely going to be hovering outside the place and I'll be able to see everything from there. Yet I have a lump in my throat.
I remember when he was a newborn and I would hover around anyone who managed to pry him away from me. I'd only be a couple of steps away, watching them like a hawk, with barely disguised worry and with my fists half-clenched. A discreet sniff from that person and I would swoop in to grab my precious bundle, lest he be exposed to a stranger's germs.
I remember the first time I let him sleepover at his grandparents' home. Mommy and Daddy had a late night date and by the time we were done, he was already fast asleep. Since Atok, Gramma and Daddy felt it would be silly to wake up a sleeping baby at that hour, Mommy was outnumbered. So off we went back home and I spent a sleepless night waiting for sunrise so I could make the 5-minute drive to be reunited with my baby.
I know I sound manic.
Like an anal-retentive, over-protective, she-wolf of a mom. But I've improved quite a bit.
Heck! I left him for 2 weeks for that business trip to Geneva last year. So yes, I'm much better with separation anxiety these days.
But now he's clearly growing up and like all children, he needs to be exposed to different environments and different people, occassionally without his Mommy by his side. If I want him to be independent, self-reliant and sociable; skills that he will need before he goes off for proper schooling, I will have to learn to let go.
My baby's growing up and I need to accept that with as much grace and courage that I can muster.
Detachment is indeed part of the learning process.
And Mikhail's not the only one doing the learning.
9 comments:
aww. letting go is such a difficult learning process. i felt the same way as u did the first week gibran started school. and then to my amazement... he let go of me almost instantly. it was too fast (for ME!) and can u believe it, i had a hard time accepting the fact that he was okay in the teachers' hands. the first two weeks when he was in class i hovered around the area, waiting for a call and craning my neck to check on him every so often! sigh. sometimes its harder on the mummy than the kid. hang in there! ure not an over-protective she-wolf of a mom lah. hehehe.. if u are, the most of us are too.
goooodddd luck diha...it is tough at first, but when you see improvements in how he socialisesand how he interacts, you will be glad u did let go...
*teary eyed*
i am very content about this. nice done.
I found this blog by accident, and what a nice surprise this post was! I have five children, and I remember with my first feeling the very same way! I hope he and you adjust to school. I know it's hard for both of you. I'll definitely be checking back!
Your job as a future mother is to learn the god's ways and to help your child understand despite the negative reinforcement and conditioning of today's society. Without consciousous parents the child will have no hope, and may even exaserbate their disfavor by becoming corrupted in today's environment.
Your ultimate goal is to fix your relationship wiith the gods and move on. You don't want to be comfortable here, and the changes in Western society in the last 100 years has achieved just that.
1000 years with Jesus is the consolation prize. Don't be deceived into thinking that is the goal.
The gods tempt people for which they are most weak. Artificial Intelligence will create desire in people's minds for the following sins:::
1. Alcohol
2. Drugs
3. Preditory "earning"
4. Homosexuality
5. Gambling
6. Something for nothing/irresponsibility (xtianity)
7. Polygamy/superiority over women/misogyny (Islam)
Much like the other prophets Mohhamed (polygamy/superiority over women/misogyny) and Jesus (forgiveness/savior), the gods use me for temptation as well. In today's modern society they feel people are most weak for popular culture/sensationalism, and the clues date back to WorldWarII and Unit731:TSUSHOGO, the Chinese Holocaust.
It has been discussed that, similar to the Matrix concept, the gods will offer a REAL "Second Coming of Christ", while the "fake" Second Coming will come at the end and follow New Testiment scripture and their xtian positioning. I may be that real Second Coming.
What I teach is the god's true way. It is what is expected of people, and only those who follow this truth will be eligible to ascend into heaven as children in a future life. They offered this event because the masses have just enough time to work on and fix their relationship with the gods and ascend, to move and grow past Planet Earth, before the obligatory xtian "consolation prize" of "1000 years with Jesus on Earth" begins.
The Prince of Darkness, battling the gods over the souls of the Damned.
It is the gods who have created this environment and led people into Damnation with temptation. The god's positioning proves they work to prevent people's understanding.
How often is xtian dogma wrong? Expect it is about the Lucifer issue as well.
The fallen god, fighting for justice for the disfavored, banished to Earth as the fallen angel?
I believe much as the Noah's Flood event, the end of the world will be initiated by revelry among the people. It will be positioned to be sanctioned by the gods and led for "1000 years with Jesus on Earth".
In light of modern developments this can entail many pleasures:::Medicine "cures" aging, the "manufacture" of incredible beauty via cloning as sex slaves, free (synthetic) cocaine, etc.
Somewhere during the 1000 years the party will start to "die off", literally. Only those who maintain chaste, pure lifestyles, resisting these temptations, will survive the 1000 years. Condemned to experience another epoch of planet's history for their ignorant pursuit of xtianity, they will be the candidates used to (re)colonize (the next) Planet Earth, condemned to relive the misery experienced by the peasantry during history due to their failure to ascend into heaven before the Apocalypse.
Never forget:::It is not a house of Jesus.
If this concept of Lucifer is true another role of this individual may be to initiate disfavor and temptation among this new poulation, the proverbial "apple" of this Garden of Eden. A crucial figure in the history of any planet, he begins the process of deterioration and decay that leads civilizations to where Planet Earth remains today.
Which one is it? Probably both:::
One transitions into the other, allowing the gods to wash their hands of obligation to their Chosen One.
You are faced with a lifetime to work and prepare for your next chance. Too many will waste this time working, etc.
letting go is such a difficult learning process.
i like nice post
So nice blogger
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